The Taxonomy of Shipboard Creatures – Part 5

It being another sea day, it is time to resume our taxonomy.

Fashionistas: This group are notable for their attire.  A large subgroup among the Fashionistas is composed of those who like to prance about in the robes and slippers that bear the cruise line’s logo.  Though meant for lounging about in one’s stateroom, this apparel is so alluring and enticing to Fashionistas that they take every opportunity to wear it in the most public places on the ship, especially the morning buffet queue.  Perhaps they do this as a public service to those gaining too much weight on the cruise, because seeing these robed, haggard vestibules of morning breath quickly vanquishes hunger pangs and markedly reduces the desire to break one’s fast.  If you happen to be so unfortunate as to behold one of these robed brutes bellying up to the buffet after completing your breakfast, you may well suffer a bout of bulimia.    

During formal nights Fashionistas are easily distinguished by their tight leather mini-skirts that make them look as though they burrowed their way into a length of electrical shrink tubing and then accidentally rolled past a hair dryer.  Perhaps the most remarkable ensemble we were horrified to witness traipsing down the runway toward the dining room was propped upon suede purple stiletto heels with roman gladiator wraps winding up and accenting cellulite-tessellated legs before disappearing behind a fire-hose yellow-colored vinyl dress with reinforced seams.  This gruesome medley of color and textiles was accessorized with a short faux leather jacket that bore a vague greenish hue as well as 2-inch long crimson feather earrings extruding from beneath a bountiful clump of platinum curls in the form of a Dolly Parton wig.  Why, it’s enough to make one wig out!