The Taxonomy of Shipboard Creatures – Part 4

Timothy Leary Dancers: These strange creatures are rare!  They appear as couples and only at special invitational events where free liquor is dispensed.  As soon as they take to the dance floor, it is evident from their gyrations that they were once flower children of the Haight-Ashbury district.  Alas, their blooms have withered.  Each individual of the couple is attired in matching, tie-dyed apparel; she in a narrow floor length frock and he in some form of Nehru jacket.  Festooned with beads and other symbols appropriate to their lost generation, they require the entire dance floor for their ritual courtship dance because they maintain a minimum distance from each other of 15 feet throughout.  While the female of the couple attempts sinuous, arm-waving motions that are partially disrupted by a senescent tremor, she studiously avoids direct eye contact with her male partner.  He, meanwhile, becomes progressively more flamboyant in his efforts to attract her attention, episodically dropping suddenly into a grotesque, contorted, stationary crouch with his arms outstretched in some ghastly entreaty.  After maintaining this pose for what seems like minutes, and which she continues to ignore, he slowly, carefully, and evidently painfully resumes a more erect posture (albeit slightly less erect than that which he enjoyed prior to displaying his impression of Quasimodo).  Witnessing the mating ritual of the Timothy Leary Dancers (whether or not you tuned-in, dropped out, and turned on) is like having a flashback of a bad trip!  One other feature of note with this rare species is that whenever one passes by their stateroom one is struck (nearly dumb) by a strange, pungent fragrance wafting into the corridor from beneath their door. 

The Taxonomy of Shipboard Creatures – Part 3

Cacklers: These creatures can be heard throughout the ship from wherever in the ship you may happen to be.  They are always found in clusters wherein they compete with one another to see which of them can produce the loudest, shrillest, and most obnoxious noise possible.  They spend the majority of their lives on ships because whenever they find themselves on land their sound apparently attracts dogs and hounds of every description.  It is impossible to control Cacklers—one’s only recourse is to leave their immediate vicinity in order to decrease their effect or insert ear plugs.  To diminish the annoyance of Cacklers, avoid all bars and lounges, which are prime Cackler habitat.

Caterwaulers: This species, which is sometimes confused with Cacklers (indeed, we suspect some cross-species interbreeding may occur) can always be found at Karaoke night or at choir practice.  They are characterised by their self-satisfied smiles and the emanation of strange noises occasionally, though not always, accompanied by music that, thankfully, is furnished by a musician or electronic device.  Regrettably, the sounds produced by Caterwaulers are usually in direct opposition to the accompanying music.  Once a Caterwauler has begun its song, there is little one can do to shut it up.  Polite applause is a particularly dangerous tactic to employ since this may encourage them to carry on for endless hours and at ever-increasing volume levels.  Rude heckling is also powerless to stifle a Caterwauler’s bellow.  They simply disregard the minor intrusion or, when desperate, will even attempt to harmonize with the catcalls. 

The Taxonomy of Shipboard Creatures – Part 2

To begin, the Cel would like to forestall any speculation or rumor that this project is meant only to fend off boredom during sea days.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  There is no end to the fascinating observations one can make of the behaviour, rituals, and characteristics of shipboard creatures.  So, with that out of the way, let us introduce another wonder of Cel and Cia’s amazing above-sea (this is not a Costa ship) world.

Shufflers: Though resembling Blockers, Shufflers are a distinct group characterized by being incapable of managing strides longer than about two inches.  Their habitat is broad-ranging.  They can be found nearly anywhere on the ship (usually for hours at a time).  We initially thought that there might be two subspecies of Shufflers, those that move their feet quite quickly, and those displaying a more languid gait.  But after much study and discussion, because neither variety manages to actually cover distance any more effectively than the other, we have decided to lump them together, so to speak.  All Shufflers have a slightly stooped posture.  Despite this, they never look at their feet, however much their posture might impel them to do so.  Their gaze is unwaveringly parallel to the horizontal.  A final startling, and perhaps defining, characteristic of Shufflers is their tendency to non-conformity.  Like a rebellious fish in a school or a wayward starling in a swarm, when Shufflers are seen to be actually making way (to use a nautical phrase), it is invariably directly into and against the more rapid flow of traffic.

The Taxonomy of Shipboard Creatures – Part 1

We have decided to use the multitude of sea days on this voyage to study and classify the abundance of creatures that one is likely to find on a cruise ship.  Today’s blog is the first of a multi-part, documentary featuring Cel and Cia’s taxonomic classification of the varieties of fauna that we have discovered on board.  While the Cel is primarily responsible for identifying the broad phyla and making detailed field observations, Cia, establishes the fine distinctions between the various species and supplies the nomenclature.  We humbly offer this scholarly endeavour simply for your edification and enjoyment; there will be no quizzes or exams.  So, without further delay, let us begin to make some sense of the wild menagerie to be found on a cruise ship by introducing you to a creature you are likely to encounter within moments of boarding your vessel, perhaps even on the gangway.

Blockers: The primary habitat of these monuments of ignorance includes stairwell entrances, doorways, the middle of staircases, narrow corridors, buffet queues, in short, any relatively confined space where traffic is easily congested.  They always appear in pods, rather like whales, which they also often resemble in size and shape.  Blockers have two broad modes of behaviour.  When active, they are characterized by flamboyant gestures meant to fill as much space as possible and they may strike without warning.  When indolent, blockers simply stand stupidly, mimicking a space-occupying lesion.  A defining feature of blockers, whether restive or idle, is that their mouths are in perpetual motion, typically emitting some senseless drivel that, for whatever unfathomable reason, they and their pod mates find immensely absorbing.  Blockers are invariably oblivious of their surroundings and become irate when the crowd of 20 or more people who have been waiting patiently for them to move out of the way express any hint of displeasure with their antics.

Keep following this blog for more informative taxonomy lessons in the coming weeks.  You will learn about Caterwaulers, Belugas, and oh so many other strange organisms!  Until next time...

Hawaiian Islands

We visited two of the Hawaiian Islands: Oahu and Kauai.  Oahu seems much drier than the last time we were there.  Traffic in Honolulu is jammed throughout the day.  After getting our rental car we drove to Diamond Head National Monument and hiked to the summit for amazing views of Waikiki and the coast.  Then we travelled along the windward coast to the north shore beaches with hopes of seeing some serious surf.  All of the beaches had red flags to indicate that swimming was prohibited due to the strong rip currents.  The beaches are gorgeous but the waves were not quite spectacular.  We then drove back to Honolulu, passing by the Dole plantation and acres and acres of pineapple crops. 

The next day, we opted to get a bird’s eye view of Kauai with Blue Hawaiian Helicopters.  It was spectacular as we flew into valleys, through canyons and over mountain tops.  It was a great way to see the island.  After trying to connect with home we spent the remainder of the day on the beach and prepared ourselves for the upcoming five days at sea as we head for Pago Pago.

Cruise Tip: Avoid Enterprise rent-a-car in Honolulu.  We went to three of their locations and the service was atrocious.  Contrary to their ads, they do not pick you up and they give all manner of excuse as to why they cannot drop you off.  They are terribly expensive and tack on all kinds of extra fees,

Cruise Tip: When in Kauai a variety of free shuttles from the ship will take you to various shopping malls.  We recommend the Kmart shuttle since a Starbucks with free Wi-fi is in the neighbouring shopping plaza.  Also, you can stock up on ship supplies (wine, rum, beer, and other vital items) for sea days.

View of Kauai from Helicopter

Fantasy Island Falls -- The plane boss! The plane!

Sea Days

Thought it was time to write about a typical sea day.  You really have the option to do as much or as little that you want.  Traditionally I start the day with a two or three mile walk.  13 times around in the circle is a nautical mile and it tends to be busy on the track between 7:30 to 8:30.   I feel like I am in great shape in that I can still lap people.  The fact that they use walkers, in my mind, gives them an advantage.  After walking, it is time for the morning shower, followed by breakfast.  The selection is amazing with fruit, cereals, omelets, eggs of every variety and a good selection of breads and pastries.  Then you usually have a choice of activities to partake in or not.  For cloudy, cool days there are always shows or movies you can watch in your room.  You can opt to play in ping pong tournaments, attend  lectures on bridge or listen to "scholarship at sea " presentations.  For this segment of the journey they are covering WWII with a focus on battles in the Pacific.  And always they have Bingo and ballroom dance classes.    For those who like to sing you can join the choir.   There are computer classes available, casino games, carpet bowling and shuffleboard.  If you feel lucky you can hit the casino but whenever I walk by I rarely hear the sounds of winning machines and when I have misguidedly put money in these machines, nothing ever comes out.  For artists they offer ceramics classes and drawing classes.  At least twice a day there is trivia as well.   As part of this cruise we have the head chef of Princess cruises who offers culinary classes which are most enjoyable to attend.    I find the best part is sitting on our balcony in the afternoon sun in the peace and quiet.  Our neighbors next door are big Sinatra fans so we sometimes hear the strains of his music.  But we have an agreement that if either side is too loud pounding on the wall means cease and desist.  No problems yet. Lunch can be had in the Buffett or formal dining room.  Each lunch has a theme.  Today was Mexican, yesterday was Italian and the day prior was sushi. Dinner has been spectacular with a wide variety of choices. In the evening music is played throughout the ship in various lounges and there is always a show unless the seas are too rocky. 

Sharing the day with 600+ strangers means that conflict will invariably arise.  So each morning they have the equivalent of a breakfast show to highlight various activities and events of the day.  As the cruise progresses they have added a new segment which I call "providing minds for the mindless".  This segment focuses on rules that need to be created to prevent strife.  Topics have included "walking on the fitness track in an anti clockwise direction" and "no saving seats in the showroom for more than two people.". The theme in this segment has been "use common sense" and "play nice".  My solution is sit on the balcony and avoid them all.

All in all life is good, in fact it is wonderful aboard the Pacific Princess as we cross the Pacific.   

Cruise tip:  if you enjoy working out on the machines avoid the early mornings.  The best time to use the fitness facilities is between 11:30 to 1:00 when everyone is at lunch.